Numb

Today I wanna talk about the reason why I sometimes can’t do anything, for days and days.

The reason why, for example, I often delete what I write, because the words I use seem so wrong (when they’re not, to be honest).

It is a mental and emotional stop.
And it’s a very hard challenge, both for those who feel it and for those who deal with people struggling with it.
And that’s the reason why I think we should talk about it:
Keeping such feelings and thoughts inside, makes them grow stronger.
Plus, it affects our relations because those around us have no chance of understanding how we feel, unless we learn to speak up.

ATTENTION:
This article may be triggering for those who are struggling with mental health issues. Please be sure you’re ready to read it before reading it.


This is not a medical opinion.
It’s only my personal experience with mental health issues.

I used to think it was impossible to feel nothing.

I actually wished I could feel nothing at all.

I wish I could be apathetic, so that I wouldn’t feel that pain anymore.
I wanted to make that pain stop, so I told myself: I don’t care if I don’t feel anything anymore.

I thought it was impossible to feel nothing, because I was used to passing from euphoria to total demoralization.
I was used to diving in, just to regret it and spend hours scourging myself, being persecuted by guilt and shame.
Those continuous emotional ups and downs were worse than any rollercoaster for my stomach, and most of all for my mind.

« Sharp edges have consequences I guess that I had to find out for myself.
Sharp edges have consequences – now every scar is a story I can tell. »

“BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.”

I recently had the pleasure (!) of discovering that those rollercoasters weren’t so bad.
I found out that one may totally be able not to feel anythingAnd it sucks.

It sucks because, unlike when you’re in pain, reaching out for help when you’re numb seems to be totally useless. Rather it seems bad, because you have to thank those who tried to help you even if those words they said didn’t help you at all.
You feel forced to act as if you’re feeling better, even if you’re not – How can you disappoint someone who’s trying so hard to make you feel a little better?
You feel like an hypocrite, but you actually don’t even care about that.
You pretend, because that’s what you are supposed to do.

And you know what? It doesn’t even matter, because you are physically there, in that moment and in that place, but your mind is far, far away.
It’s surrounded by dark clouds, darker than a night without the Moon and the Stars.
That black mist is enchaining you and it’s sucking your energy, your strength and, most of all, the will to fight.
You’re exhausted, both physically and mentally.
And pretending you’re ok, not to disappoint your dear ones, consumes your last energies.
But truth is: you still don’t care.
You may die tonight, and it’ll be fine.

And so another day comes to an end and you drag yourself to bed, without the strength and the will to hope for a better tomorrow.
And when you open your eyes the next morning, you instantly understand that nothing’s changed: getting up from bed is even harder than trudging up there was the night before.

And there’s neither meaning nor benefit in doing that.
But you do it, because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

The day goes on, inexorably, slowly, and you feel that overwhelming burden on your back growing more and more; but you still don’t care.

You’re so numb you don’t even ask yourself what’s the meaning of life at this point.
You know you’re surviving and not living. But you still don’t care.

So how to escape from such a limbo?
Where to find the strength you’re missing, if everything that helped you ’til that moment seems not to help you anymore?
What should you do when you feel you’re alone even when surrounded by thousands and thousands of people, when also losing everything you loved the most doesn’t hurt anymore? (It’s actually a relief, because you won’t be asked to explain anything anymore, you won’t have to pretend anymore, you won’t have to fake smiles and consume energies in vain anymore.)

What do you do when all the things that gave you goosebumps don’t do it anymore? When you’re supposed to feel so happy and alive but you actually feel so dead inside?

« Only I can save me now. »

We are the managers of our own destiny.
And we’re not our illness.
We’re not the pain, we’re not the apathy.

We’re the person who’s there IN SPITE OF the pain, in spite of the apathy.

That’s why we need to do what we’re “supposed to do”:

  • Keep going out with your friends.
  • Keep saying “I’m not ok” if you’re not; don’t pretend you are when you aren’t. You’ll find so many people out there, ready to lend an ear or their hand.
  • Keep scheduling every day – and celebrate every little goal you achieve!
  • Keep doing all those things that apparently steal your last energies: they’re actually recharging you.

Mental illnesses are masters at overturning reality.
They lie to us, every single minute.
And they’re so slimy that they speak with our voice in our mind.

So keep moving, don’t ever stop.
Even if it seems useless. Even if you don’t care.
Even when you’re sure there’s no way out: moving itself is a step on the way out.
You just can’t see it, because you’re in the middle of a crisis and that black fog is blinding you.

Apathy, just like pain, is a temporary state: it’ll be gone, sooner or later.
It’s like a storm: you see it coming, but you can’t stop the rain, the lightings and the thunders.
Still you can choose to wait for it to pass and, believe me, this is already a victory.
And you can wait under a roof, in front of a warm chimney, or, if you don’t have the strength to walk inside, wait under the rain.
It is ok.
The Sun will come back again and its warm rays will dry you.

IT CAN’T RAIN ALL THE TIME.

And it won’t.

Don’t ask yourself too much, take your time with no guilt or shame: just remember it’ll get better.
You’ll feel better again.

And you’ll also write new articles for your blog.

When Autumn comes, Nature gets ready for a long sleep, in order to wake completely restored in Spring. And so it works for our wonderful mind.

Go to sleep, rest, take a break… And wake up stronger than before.
You can do it.

AND YOU WILL.

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Vivo di ansie che tu non sai nemmeno di darmi.

3 thoughts on “Numb

  1. I once used anti-depressives wich made me numb. No highs, no lows just nothing. It was awful. Nothing to look forward to or to be glad about. Had to stop taking these drugs (zoloft) and feld better and worse but not numb.

    Liked by 1 person

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