Social anxiety

You may think I’m boring, but I’m not.
I’m a 24 y.o. girl who wants to have fun just like any other person in their 20s.
I just need more time to recharge after putting myself into a social event which includes a lot of people I don’t know.

This whole thing started happening after losing my old friends, because they showed they were not good friends for me in-any-possible-way.
Losing them meant losing a lot of pain I was carrying on my back in vain.
But at the same time it meant losing my comfort zone in social situations.

Meeting new people, a lot of new people, all at once, can be very stressful and physically tiring for a person who suffers from anxiety.
I’m also pretty shy and very introverted, and that doesn’t help at all.
I feel like I’m diving in uncharted waters every single time.
So when the stress reaches the breaking point, I may stop talking all of sudden.
And while I’m standing still, staring all around, I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking I’m a weirdo and that increase my anxiety, so I get paralyzed and I turn to stone, because I feel like anything I do would look even weirder.

That’s the point in having anxiety.
But thank you, genius, for making me feel even dumber than I’m actually feeling.

I start dreaming of my couch, my books, my music.
I need to go back home pretty instantly, after reaching the breaking point.
People who don’t wear my shoes may not understand that.
“We’re having so much fun, why do you wanna go already?”
It’s hard to make people understand how you feel in such situations, why the more you stay the worse it gets.
It’s hard not to be judged, even after explaining.
But it’s still worth a try.
People may laugh. People may think you’re crazy.
But only you know how you feel and if you’re not feeling comfortable, no-one has the right to force you to stay.
The main problem for me is that I literally turn into stone and I can’t literally move.
It takes a lot of energy to finally start walking without panicking, because I’m so sure everyone will look at me and judge me…

Now I could start saying: “Take your time“, “Breathe“, and everything everyone keeps telling you when you suffer from anxiety.
But truth is: nothing really helps in those moments.
It’s just you and your bad anxiety hitting you like a thousand knifes piercing in your brain.
And that sucks.
And you only need to disappear and be alone in a quiet place.
Since you can’t disappear, you’ll have to make it through it, and you will, as you’ve always done.
But you’ll probably need a lot of time to recharge afterwards.

Should I apologize for that?
Should I feel guilty, or old (yep, that’s what I’ve been told), just because of it?
I honestly don’t think so.
I wanna go out and have fun and that’s what I do at least once a week.
And everyone keeps telling me: “You can overcome your limits”, because they don’t even know what it is like to have such limits.
What it is like to face the consequences of pushing too far.
And, icing on the cake, they also say: “It’s ok not to be ok” – just as long as THEY ARE ok.

Well, you know what? It’s really ok not to be ok.
And it’s also ok to do what makes me feel ok instead of what makes me feel bad for days. And it’s ok to take my time to get to be ok again.
It’s my right to be ok.
And no-one has the right to judge what it takes to me to be ok.

I’m not a robot,
I’m not a monkey,
I will not dance even if the beat’s funky.


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