I’m my own worst enemy.
This is a quote from one of my favorite Linkin Park songs (“Given up“) and it represents me so well: I can be my worst enemy from time to time (which means: almost every day).
I feel like I’ve always been telling myself: “You’ll never be able to do that“.
This happens when I’m asked to do anything that implies I gotta be the center of attention and someone expects something (any thing) from me.
I’m so scared of disappointing them, that I decide I’d better put myself down even before trying, and I eventually don’t try, so I won’t disappoint anyone.
I keep feeling like I’m not enough, and I’m gonna be a disappointment, and what I do is never even close to be good enough, and people who say otherwise are kind to me for compassion.
(I guess this whole thing worsened when I quit university and hurt my parents so bad for that.)
To avoid that, at some point I decided I wasn’t going to even try at all, so that I wouldn’t disappoint anyone (including myself).
It obviously didn’t work and that feeling just got worse.
I felt stuck, trapped in my own life, it’s like time has stopped and everyone kept passing me by and I couldn’t move neither forward, nor to any other direction.
Tired of feeling like that, I decided to take action.
Given that I’m not the best at doing anything, it doesn’t mean it’s not worth a try.
I’m 25 and I still don’t know what’s my place in this World.
I don’t even know if there’s a place left for me in this World.
But I wanna try to find it.
So I’m working on that and I need to remember I mustn’t give up.
I’ve started sharing my thoughts in this blog, playing guitar again, drawing again, after several years off.
It made me feel good and I got so much support, it’s hard for me to believe it’s real.
And I should start recognizing the value and importance of it, instead of thinking everyone is being kind to me just because moved by compassion.
A few days ago I was at a festival, I had a bad headache and I didn’t have the strength to talk to anyone.
I also had a pen and a notebook.
So I started drawing a city (and I CAN’T draw cities, I’m so bad at perspectives and stuff like that).
I drew my own character, next to the city, with a disappointed expression, because that was my mood:
I was disappointed and also annoyed by the fact I’m not able to properly draw a city yet.
A friend of mine, who was there with me, saw it and she liked it so much that she showed it to two other friends of ours and they all told me it was good and they really liked it (while I was thinking of burning it into the flames).
This whole thing, a matter of seconds, made me understand I should stop underestimating myself and just try.
So I’ve started creating my own comics.
And I don’t even know if I’ll ever share it publicly.
Maybe I’ll create an apposite section on this blog, maybe I’ll keep it for myself, maybe I’ll randomly show it to my closest friends to laugh at it together.
But I’m trying.
And maybe this is a victory already.